A Chronic Comparison?

I’ve had this post roaming around my mind for a couple of weeks now, and finally put pen to paper…or rather put the finger splints on and attacked the keyboard.

Last week I took part in an on line research forum into chronic lower back pain.  Due to confidentiality clauses I can’t tell you any details, but a group of us were required to spend at least an hour each day answering a series of questions, or giving our thoughts and feelings about our conditions.  We were also encouraged to comment on each other’s posts and interact as on any forum.  The week before Duncan and I went to an EDS support group, where we were joined by about 20 others and asked to think about our coping strategies for different aspects of the illness.  The final trigger was a tv programme featuring my chronic condition, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.ch7jwb_weaaooad

So I feel that I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my various conditions and revisiting my “journey” – don’t you just hate that expression, very X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing!  It was suggested for the forum that we plot a picture of our individual pain journeys, and I was surprised at just how long it took me to do this and how much was on it.  Of course, I needed to go back to childhood as when I looked back I cannot remember a time of being without pain, but as a child and teen I assumed that everyone else felt the same way.  file_000-9

I know that it isn’t particularly clear but this is my “map” detailing the EDS and the original back injury and subsequent chronic back pain.  Those of us drawing these maps all had very different backgrounds & experiences, and I was really inspired and moved by some of the other stories. I started to become aware that some people were being put off the idea of certain treatments (eg surgery) because of the negative experience of others.

The support group was a night out for us the previous week, and we even managed a meal before.  It is good meeting with others in similar positions and it is always great to welcome new people who attend, particularly as we are a very new group. We were able to come away with some advice for dealing with extremely anxious teens – there is a lot of literature out there now that recognises a direct link between anxiety  and EDS.  I must admit though, that I do feel a little conflicted sometimes in these group situations – the support on offer can be fantastic, but it can also be tricky taking on board a line of treatment/therapy that someone else swears by that either hasn’t or may not work for you.  When another person has gone on, for instance, a special diet and all their symptoms have gone into remission giving them a new lease of life…..I used to see this when I was working in palliative care and patients would wonder if  they hadn’t tried hard enough with a particular diet or vitamin regime, that it was their own fault that they hadn’t halted their illness when this had cured Mr X.

I wonder if it is just human nature to compare ourselves to others, in sickness and in health as the saying goes. But just how infuriating is it when some well meaning person tells you about the wonderful remedy that Auntie Ethel has just used with great success for her back pain/migraines/or even a serious illness cure?  Do you not want to scream out “Do you really think that I haven’t tried?” because I know that I do!  But of course I don’t…..

When these comparisons happen, be it ourselves or others making them,  I wonder if there can be a thin line between support and competition.  I do realise that this probably sounds awful as no one who is chronically ill wants to compete with anyone else over symptoms.  But with some of the multi system syndromes that we spoonies have, no two people will ever present in the same way and the list of ailments we have can be endless.  I have been reading facebook posts only this evening from frustrated people who find that their own families don’t believe their diagnosis because “cousin Freddy has that and he is much worse”.  I think that we all know that there are still medics out there who call into question the legitimacy of some syndromes and the severity of patient symptoms.

Just because a certain operation helped me doesn’t mean that it will help you;  just because you have found a particular drug fantastic doesn’t mean it will help me; just because my health regime allows me to walk for miles every day doesn’t mean that it will get you out of your wheelchair (it doesn’t BTW – I use my chair more and more!).  My back & leg pain and the treatment that I have had to undergo to find any relief is very different to the chronic EDS pain that I also suffer.  The only people who have really understood the former have been my group on the scs pain programme and those in neuromodualtion groups.  Yet whilst some people who have fantastic success with the stimulators have had a new lease of life,  I have actually deteriorated physically despite the stimulator being a success.

My deterioration is down to my EDS, escalation of POTS and an increase in my EDS pain.  Ironically the requirement to wean myself off the opiates in order to have the stimulator to reduce one type of pain, resulted in an increase in the other!  Many people who have had back problems would be amazed that even with the metal screws fusing my spine and the electrodes to control the pain, I can still hold a pretty good downwards facing dog yoga pose.  But of course my zebra friends know that this is actually down to being bendy and that sometimes being able to get into those strange positions is, for us, more dangerous than beneficial.

I am probably my own worst enemy when it comes to making comparisons and always feeling that I have little to complain about.  This happened when I watched the BBC DIY SOS which featured 18 year old Antonia who has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and had been hospitalised for 3 years. 15831613-large The programme was great for highlighting EDS and this amazing young lady – I watched it twice and cried each time.  Of course I turned to my lovely teen girl and said “I feel guilty for making a fuss!” and whilst her brothers would probably have agreed with me, my lovely girl (now suffering her own dislocations, hand pain, anxiety, etc) told me off for thinking that way telling me “It is all relative”.  Out of the mouths of babes….

So what am I trying to say?  We are all individuals.  We will all experience a common cold differently (think man flu!!).  So for the many debilitating chronic syndromes out there, no two sufferers will experience the same symptoms, the same reactions to therapies or the same psychological impact as another.  I must allow myself to live with my condition in the best way that I can and for you to do the same – and somewhere along the way we can support each other and hope that the healthy world will do the same without expectation or judgement.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “A Chronic Comparison?

  1. Hi Claire, thanks for sharing this great post! I absolutely agree that remembering chronic illness is, above all, individual, can help to put things in perspective when it comes to comparing experiences. I find online support so beneficial, but it can have drawbacks. I’ve noticed that some people do seem competitive with symptoms. I also find reading about how others are suffering can be demoralizing so I have to turn it off sometimes too. It’s a complicated issue but I think collectively we can do a lot to raise awareness, advocate and validate each other’s experiences.

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    • Hi Katarina, thanks for your words. I had every family member read the piece & made umpteen tiny changes before I posted, as I was paranoid that I would upset people! But the support that we can offer each other is so great as we can empathise like no one else can. I love your posts too and value our online friendships, Claire x

      Liked by 1 person

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